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Warning:
Some of these movies may warp any sense of reality you ever had. If you are mentally stable and would like to remain that way, don't watch these films.
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Legionnaire
This movie "stars" Jean-Claude Van Damme as a boxer in the 20's who has to leave his girlfriend and run away from the mafia and join the french legion. This film is a giant waste of Van Dammes limited talents, because HE DOESNT HIT ANYONE! the rest fo the film makes very little sense at all. He ends up being the only guy alive from his entire group. it seems the mighty french army has suffered another crushing defeat (suprise, suprise). in the end its just him alone in the desert. he never shows off any of his boxing skills, and you never hear about his girlfriend which he promised to return to. me and nick saw this one and by the end we were crying, were not sure why. movies like this can have that effect on people.
rating: 0.1324 out of 5 stars
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Cabin Boy
it has been over 6 years since ive seen this movie, and i still have nightmares. This movie is about some rich kid (played by that annoying salsa guy fro m tv) who end up on the wrong ship or somethign. they sail around for a while and then they get lost in some magical pink myst. They end up on some magical island where the salsa guy falls in love with a lady with 8 arms. so naturally, he makes her a sculpture out of fish sticks as a token of his love (im not making this up). then her husband (who happens to be 60 feet tall) finds out and tries to kill our beloved hero, salsa boy. luckily one of salsa boys friends, sharky comes to save the day. sharky, in case you didn't know, is half man half shark. according to the story, his father humped a shark. then some other stuff happens and the movie ends. then you crazy and try to club yourself with anything within reach.
rating: -100000 out of 5 stars.
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Out For Justice
This movie has quality written all over it. It stars Steven Seagal as bad ass cop (where have I seen that before?) who is OUT FOR JUSTICE! I had to laugh at this movies totally innapropriate use of every possible Italian stereotype. Seagals character was actually named Gino Falino. And pretty much everyone he ran into was Mikee, Vinny, Donny, ect. But this movie had some really cool stuff in it, like Seagal stabbing people in the leg and hand with a meat cleaver. The story is you typical cop story. Seagal is chasing down some crazy bad guy and he ends up beating the shit out of all his little henchmen on the way. At the end he storms the bad guys house like the one man army he is. on the way to the bad guy he manages to blow a guys leg CLEAN OFF with a shot gun from accross the room. i dont know what gage that shotgun was, but i doubt it actually exists. In the end he has the usual scrap with the bad guy and he ends up stabing him right between the eyes with a cork screw. All in all this movie was pretty cool because he killed guys...and because his first and last names rimed.
rating: 3 out of 5 stars |
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Jaws 4: the revenge
Oh my god, was this ever a bad movie. to start with, i will not refer to jaws as a shark because it is obviously a big grey lump of styrofoam with teeth. so for lack of a better term i will call it "shark" (notice the quotation marks). The basic plot is that there is a giant "shark" (suprise, suprise) who decides he wants to eat some people. But then he decides that not just any people will do, he wants only people from a particular family. So after he kills one kid, the mother somehow realises that the "shark" is after her family. So she goes to the carribean to warn her other son who is a marine biologist or something predictable like that. But incredibly, THE "SHARK" FOLOWS HER! I find it pretty amazing that a "shark" can track a 747 jet all the way to the bahamas, but i guess you learn something new every day. When she gets there her son doesn't listen to her because he figures that could only happen in a really stupid movie. well guess what, this is a a really stupid movie! So the "shark" gets there and chases him and tries to eat him, ect. But then he has a great idea: he takes this camera or soemthing and flashes it in the water. this makes jaws stand on his tail completely out of the water. so then he just runs jaws through with that pointy pole on the bow of the boat. This movie really makes you stop and think. you realise that that was 2 hours of your life that you can never get back.
rating: 5 out of 5 dog turds (I am using dog turds because the regular rating sytem will not suffice for such and unbeleivably bad movie).
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The Enforcer
A joint review by me and Nick:
The movie starts with a lovely show of father/son affection: Attacking someone with a meat cleaver, while your son looks on in approval. The “Jet Li Radius” is seen in the first scene. For those of you who are unaware of what the radius is, let me expand your knowledge. Jet Li has been given magical powers to suspend the laws of physics in a 3m radius around his body. He can float, or make people float. Doing 5 or more kicks in a single leap is commonplace. This radius seems to be a central focus of the film.
Jet Li is an undercover cop who is so superbly undercover that he doesn’t tell his family. He is placed in jail so he can get close to “G-Dogg”, some gangster in, well, a gang. This is followed by an affectionate scene with Jet and his son, referred to as “son of Jet” or “SOJ” for short. Jet goes on to kill many, many, many people en route to becoming a most wanted criminal. SOJ gets ridiculed at school with the embarrassing chant of “most wanted!” SOJ soon shows his roots by kicking the school bully’s ass. If you look closely, SOJ becomes a full-grown man during the fight scenes, but returns to normal afterward. Meanwhile, Jet’s wife dies and is replaced by a policewoman who we will call “bizarro mom”. SOJ and bizarro mom go to hong kong to find Jet, but just end up causing him problems. Jet is forced to kill SOJ and put him in a garbage bag, so as not to blow his cover with the mob. Luckily SOJ is saved by “uncle G-Dogg”. The Jet Li Radius takes over and is passed on to bizarro mom as they team up against the bad mob guy in a classic duel. Next, the mob sights Uncle G-Dogg and SOJ together and decides to kill G-Dogg. SOJ hides under the boat, underwater, for about 5 minutes while G gets shot in the head two times. G dies, but not until he gives SOJ a message for Jet Li.
The finale of the film is really just showing off the powers of the Jet Li Radius. Jet flips and flies as he single-handedly kills or maims about 50 people. Jet is in trouble until, who should appear, but 10 year old SOJ ready to kick some ass. Jet and SOJ team up to form the human yo-yo: a device that involves Jet tying his child to a rope and throwing him at bad guys. SOJ flies perfectly straight into them, knocks them down, and returns to Jet without the rope ever bending. Then Jet kills evil mob man, and Jet, SOJ and bizarro mom enjoy some “family time”.
this movie gets 5/5 for enjoyability and 0/5 for realism.
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This is one of my favorite images
I saw this movie with Pam on our night on the town. It was nothing short of spectacular. And the movie was pretty good too.
It stars David Ducovny (I cant spell his name so im gonna call him D) and that dude from the 7-up commercials (Ill call him 7). The movie starts with a meteor hitting the earth and blowing up Stifflers car. D and 7 go to investigate it because theyre science professors or dorks or something. When they get there they find some blue goop (kinda like what Jon made in chem class) coming out of the rock. So they take some back to their science lab to look at it. After a little bit of nerding around with it they discover that the goo is evolving at an incredible rate (insert nerd noise here). But when they go back to check out the crash site the government has come in and taken the place over. But this doesnt stop D and 7, oh no. they sneak back in the next night and go back down to the cave. Except by now the goo has evolved into little bugs and lizards and stuff. And one of the best parts of the movie is when one of the bugs gets inside 7s suit and burrows under his skin. The doctors have to remove it rectally by sticking a big metal claw thing up his ass. This inspires D to say: did you see the size of that thing? You took it like a man!
Then the creatures start adapting to earths atmosphere and they start going outside and attacking people (Pam may not remember this because she was covering here eyes with a box of Junior Mints for most of it). At one point they evolve into monkeys, I take that as a sign that we have to go see planet of the apes. The government and army decide that its time to kill all the evil goo creatures, so naturally they choose to use napalm, lots and lots of napalm. But what they dont realize is that fire makes these goo dudes super strong. So when they use lots and lots of napalm, the goo guys combine into one giant city-sized slug (not unlike what would happen in power rangers). Luckily D and 7 find out that you can kill the bad guys using Head And Shoulders, and you can also keep your hair flake-free and shiny. So they fill up a fire truck with head and shoulders and they drive under the giant slug of death. They have to find somewhere to stick the hose, so they send 7 up the slugs ass. Its funny because all you see is his feet hanging out and you hear him say its terrible in here. Then the slug explodes and they all live happily ever after. Just another example of how head and shoulders can save the world.
i give it 4/5 stars because it was funny, and it didnt try to make me learn
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This is one of my favorite images
This is my good friend Hal. I took this picture on his birthday. I think he likes to be in pictures. |
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